I know it sounds bad, but as a society, we should all give ourselves a pat on the back that it took a few weeks into online classes for someone to whip out a gun. I figured this was a “first Thursday” kind of development along with forgetting to mute while your mom says embarrassing stuff, lecture bombing, and accidentally sharing an inappropriate screen. Taking conservative law students regularly rewarded for trolling provocation and then putting them in isolation to stew about their next trick was bound to convince one of them to bring a piece to a lecture.
And now it’s happened! The incoming president of Harvard’s FedSoc chapter decided to spice up the Criminal Procedure: Adjudications Zoom lecture with a firearm, presumably to “own the libs” because that’s the only motivation for anything anymore. And of course he’s not been able to play with his metallic dick during class before since Harvard bans guns on campus. Because of the whole “mass shooting concern” thing.
Just to pre-empt the response here, no, it’s not fine to bring guns to class just because you’re not physically in the room. For clarification, other things you should not brandish during a Zoom class: a dildo, a bloody knife, a dead hooker. Also, please refrain from wearing your swastika pins during class and all the other things we apparently HAVE TO SAY OUT LOUD NOW. Yes, no one is going to get shot when a student whips out a gun in their house to answer the question absolutely no one asked, but that’s not the only reason we don’t consider weaponry an essential study aid.
That it’s disruptive to the learning experience when ersatz Elmer Fudd here pulls out his heater is the very least of the reasons why this is inappropriate. It’s also pretty menacing and can induce anxiety in people who’ve had traumatic, violent experiences in the past. And while it should be enough to appeal to basic decency, it should also give any professional pause. We don’t carry rifles into government buildings — well, actually these dumbasses do — but we shouldn’t. Young people — sometimes — mature but consider the message this level of judgment sends to a character and fitness review or future employer.
But look, the new White House Press Secretary got her start saying comically stupid stuff on this very website. Jonathan Turley’s out here pretending he’s never seen an Indian restaurant to stay in Fox’s good graces. Debasing yourself with the alacrity of a trained seal is how you get ahead for these folks. Before the week is out, Sean Hannity will be praising the “courage” it took to basically drop trou in the middle of class — except with a gun, so it’s a political statement.
In any event, this space in “Quarantine Law School Bingo” is now filled. I’m just a “professor convinces SCOTUS justice to bomb the lecture as a treat” or “whole class coordinates their greenscreen background to the Dean’s face” away from a win.
Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.
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